Heartsore
by Swimchik
Summary: Seven years after Edward left, Bella is alone and dying of cancer. What goes through her head in what she believes to be her final moments?


**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, etc. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

I can still remember the first time I saw one of them kill a human. I had been so horrified, and it hadn't even been my fault. I'd just been there.

I quivered in my room for weeks, thinking about how it was so awful to die like that.

I felt the endless spans of guilt tear at me when I realized I had wanted to be like _that._ I tried to tell myself that I would've been different; I would have stopped myself at all costs from letting anyone die at my hand. But I knew, even if he was like_ her_, I would have been prepared to give up everything for him_._ I still am.

It's amazing, that after seven years, I can still love him unconditionally. I don't want to stop, either. He was just so…perfect.

Even after seeing someone die because of one of his kind, even knowing that he had done that to humans, I couldn't feel anything towards him except adoration. I couldn't even begin to fathom how wrong that was.

But, now, as I faced the brink of death myself, I realized that right and wrong had faded away for me long ago. Right and wrong had just been cruelly twisted and warped until they unknowingly morphed into life and death. But even then, the line separating the two had become so helplessly blurred that I could barely tell where it was anymore.

What was life anyway? Was what I had been doing what you could call a life? No, it wasn't. The only time I had truly been alive was during those blissful months with _them_.

In a sick way, I was satisfied, for the time being, that I had figured out that I had never really been living before I… moved on. It felt like I was losing less. My death would not be as sad, because I wasn't giving up _anything_. In fact, with the amount of bloodshed that happened because of me I was probably saving a life…or lives. My death would give my friends and family more peace than my life had.

It was ironic really, that I should pass in such a mundane way; that, in the end, disease would stop my life.

I was sickly relieved that my enemies wouldn't get the pleasure of ending me themselves. I couldn't bear to watch her smile as I fell deeper and deeper into the realms of beyond. At least this way, I would die a blunt, painless death. In fact, I looked forward to the relief it offered. The end of the omnipresent numbness was so close.

I knew I had just mere moments of coherent thought left, before the morphine coursed its way through my bloodstream.

I tried to think of all the happy times I experienced in my life, I wanted those to be my last thoughts. I shouldn't have been all that surprised, when I realized I couldn't come up with very many that didn't cause me agony to dwell on. Like I said before, I hadn't really been _alive_.

I _was _sad as I began to feel morphine-induced euphoria. This really was the end… there would be no more waking up in the mornings to see the sun's butter yellow rays fall through my window, or to feel the rain splash my face. How I would miss the rain; it was one of the few things that didn't hurt to think about.

I believe I began to cry then, but I couldn't be sure. The morphine made it difficult to tell.

It felt good, though, to release all my pain, all my pent-up anger through my salty, hot tears. I had been holding them back for far too long.

When I had wept myself dry I let my eyelids slide down over my eyes. They had never been topaz, like I had once hoped.

It surprised me that it didn't hurt to think about them. It must be the morphine.

_Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, Alice. _I let myself think their names one last time, relishing the painless nature. Perhaps this was similar to my long-gone hallucinations, and I prayed that what I was about to do wouldn't leave me with incurable stabs of pain.

_Edward. _

I thought his name, andI only felt the smallest piece of my heart wrench itself away from the whole.

I would leave that piece behind, in hopes that he would know, even in death, a piece of my heart would be forever his.

* * *

**A/N: This could be a oneshot, but if people like it, I thought of a pretty good storyline to follow. Please review, I always want to know if I can make it better! Check out my other stories too. Thanks!**

Swimchik


End file.
